Review: Random Access Murder

Ahh the ’80s, what a time to be alive! Mullets, tacky clothes, seizure-inducing neon colors, cheesy movies, synthpop, the golden age of gaming, AIDS and so much more. What a crazy time, the ’80s are truly the pinnacle of the 20th century. Everybody loves this decade because it was too damn fun. Alas, RAM is not.

RAM is an arena shooter set in an epileptic’s worst nightmare, hope you like neon and flashing lights, because boy you’re in for a treat. See, I like the game’s theme – the sounds, the atmosphere, they’re spot on, they make you feel as if you’re playing the intro sequence to Transformers G1. The gameplay, on the other hand, will make you want to phone home.

Like laser tag, but with less 12 year olds

Health bar, guns, arena. Where can you go wrong? Ahahaha, what can go wrong, will go wrong. To start with, you can only deal damage with one weapon, an SMG that does so little damage, it’s as if your enemies are all T-800s . The other weapons (not that there are a lot of ’em) glitch out your opponent’s screen with flashy pop-up ads and blue screens. Funnily enough, these effects physically assault your eyes and will give you a headache, so if you want to harm your friends, RAM is a good choice. Your “Rambot” is no Rambo, since shooting will push you back, better hope your back isn’t against a wall, because guess what, YOU CAN NOCLIP THROUGH WALLS. Maybe RAM is a social commentary on the Berlin Wall, it’s eluding to the fact that it was a monument to mankind’s ignorance and that it was a wall just because we let it be a wall. That or, the devs slept through the first classes of Game Development 101.

The maps are bland and poorly thought out – just a bunch of platforms with so many pitfalls, this game would have been a hit on the Atari 2600. There is no scoreboard, no way to rebind controls, there is an abundance of glitches, you can either play it in full screen or beat it, the music loops over and over and over and over and over and the real kicker: nobody plays it. The game is a ghost town (and it just released this week!), you’d have better luck finding another player in No Man’s Sky than in this game. At least you can play with bots, I mean it is an arena shoo — no, there are no bots in this game.

The servers, ladies and gentlemen

Performance wise, the game at least runs well. The FPS hits numbers so high it might even go back to the future (hey, they don’t need walls where they’re going). The game is also pretty small (~200 mb), so you can install the game, play it and then uninstall in just under 15 minutes! (rest assured, I put much more time in this game for the review)

The game isn’t unplayable, no no no, I mean you can walk forwards, you can jump, you can even look around with the mouse! But if you can’t even nail simple FPS gameplay, why even bother in the first place? Perhaps I’m being too hard on the game, the devs promised character progression, patches and much more in the future, they may or may not deliver and hey, the game does have an interesting premise and the ’80s feeling it conveys is cute … but in its current state, the game is definitely:

A Must-Avoid / A Try During Sale / A Must-Have

Hmm the game does have a neat name though. A nice play on words, reminds me a tad bit of that Daft Punk album (Random Access Memories). It’s also cheesy enough that it would have made for a great action movie title, 30 or so years ago.


5 thoughts on “Review: Random Access Murder

  1. I miss growing up in the eighties, although I don’t think I could survive anymore in an era devoid of internet. I think I will give this game a miss. The first screenshot looks like the levels are built on 3D tetris blocks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Use the internet to browse some sweet photos of mullets, win-win situation. Also, can confirm that the levels are built on tetris blocks … blocks that you can noclip through.

      Liked by 1 person

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